Never thought a salesboy wud need to "Excel" so much

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't look at you today
It's been seven days and counting
And you still look exactly the same
It's just that every thing I do
Over billion cells keep changing
Like vlookups are my memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city's sales in your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've shown up
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
the numbers have another name
To your rows
To your columns now
To your rows
The rows and columns are after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these sheets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new kingdom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty days late

Ever since you've shown up
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
the numbers have another name
To your rows
To your columns now
To your rows
The rows and columns are after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still looking for new formulae to put onto you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm still clicking the save button at your doorway
I'm trying to close this file but I can't move on

Darkness

For darkness is a way of life

As tears come down from lonely eyes

people scream and shout around

I am caught up in the gloomy night

Reasoning within my self

Deeper still in the dark I dwell

The pain is just a mean image

Of my fears my tutelage

Somewhere deep the light shines through

Distorting the eternal gloom

Slowly fades into the night

Now darkness is whole and so am I

Veterans of the Psychic war

Its been a long time since I have felt so desperate and helpless. Powerless and incapable of any affirmative action. Every situation feels like a lost cause and every action feels like one in the wrong direction.

But I will not give up I will not go back for I am a veteran at the psychic war. I go about waging battles every waking moment . Living on presumptions and hunches which I so firmly believe in that they have now become a manifestation of truth for me. There is no fear there is no loss only an end less journey of mind against fact . The world is out to prove me wrong , to hurt me where it pains the most but I shall not give up I will never surrender . For the battle is now a part of me . it defines me .

Keep telling myself all is not lost , there has to be a way out of this mess , there is light at the end of the tunnel and I keep trudging along .Often I am faced by stiff opposition. Reading my mind and undermining my every move. The effort is excruciating the pain is intolerable yet I lumber along as I know no other way .

For it is always the darkest before dawn.

5 stages of rejection

Some of us may be aware of the Kubler Ross model for accepting death. It is not very different from a failed relationship.

The first stage is

Denial : I am sure he/she still likes me . She may have some other issues.

People are not ready to accept their relationship has failed. They keep consoling themselves that its not their fault. Its just that the world did not turn in the same direction that they did .

Anger : “How can he/she ignore me ?”, “Why me ?, Why again ?”

This is the phase in which a person tries to remove his frustration. He curses his luck . He argues with himself and God. He gets retrospective and vents out his anger at the slightest trigger.

Bargaining : “Can we at least be friends?”

This is when we are pulling on the last straws.This is when you try everything and anything possible to make things work. You are ready to bargain for things which caused the fallout.

Depression: “I can not do this any longer”, “I was not good enough for her”

This phase is when we start accepting reality . But we magnify all past actions and blame ourselves for the slightest misunderstanding.

Acceptance: “I should forget her”, “I need to move on now”

This is when we finally accept that things have not gone right and may be its for the better. we start accepting things and start moving on.

This blog is dedicated to House MD.

For all who watch it "Amen"

For all who dont "Do it"

Beauty

Beauty has often confused me. The concept is rationally alien to me. Why is it that we find something pleasing to the eyes and somethings offensive? It is all but a physical manifestation of human form . Then how could it vary so much to generate such contrasting reactions.

Up until now I always thought beauty was like democracy. Something which is pleasing to a persons eyes would be pleasing to most people's eyes which is a rather generalist opinion of beauty. Which is to say I accepted something to be beautiful if most people around me concur to it.

But today I did see beauty . Beauty which had no under current of parallel opinion. I was not under the influence of any precious experience and of previous encounter. It was an emotion of purity. unadulterated with cognitive thought. I was so awe struck that I was unable to express myself, I felt a loss of words . I was blinded and yet enlightened. When it was out of sight I felt visually impaired I tried to capture the image in my mind but I just couldn't do so .

I yearn for it now. I try to recall my vision but all in vain . Today I did realize that beauty is not some thing which appeals to your mind alone it enchants your heart. It is unparalleled in expression. It is like an aberration on the canvas which stands out. It makes minds weaker and delves deeper through the heart through the veins and soon fixates the whole body.

Alas beauty is still alien to me now it confuses me even more and doesn't seem to be leaving any hints for me to figure out its true interpretation.

Hallucination theory and Transitional hypothesis

Intrepid thought processes often seek altercations in the mind which are unexplored and untarnished. That is the birth of creative thought. From the depths of the unexplained and the unexplored rises the nexus of human evolution often contra banded by revolutionary revolts from spawn.

I for once seek clarification on what I am and why I am the way I am and wonder if I did manage to change my thought process how would I be different from what I am right now. It may all seem to be an entwined mesh of words but to put it simply I just ask my self whether I am actually capable of generating a thought which is not a consequence of a previous experience.

There is often a high amount of emphasis a person gains from experience. But if experience were actually that important then how did we manage to evolve so fast so quickly without evolution taking a parallel course.

Today for the first time in a long time I have realized that in the quest of achieving new thoughts and ideas that i have become boring and serious. It amazes me that as a person who undermines his every thought and analyzes his every action and reruns it every waking hour how I came about this revelation. My mind is alas just a slave of my previous experience and I am just a slave of my mind. It seems to me that I am stuck in a vicious circle which cannot be comprehended without triviality creeping up. If I do try to make a megalomaniac out of my self how would I go about it, If there were thoughts of irrationality why would it seem fathomable by some and detested by others.

Mental Models and Magic Potions

Over the last one week the two major influences on my existence have been a class on behavioural finance and my fourth re run of harry potter and the half blood prince.

That is when I made a queer observation. There is a visible common ground between mental models and magic potions, both flatter to deceive.

Mental models are as much an expression of our whims as are magic potions, If we were able to actually make models to map human thought it would be a worthless exercise.

The whole beauty of a human brain is its unpredictability, if we were able to actually deduce behaviour then human beings would end up becoming nothing more than zombies.

Magic potions on the other hand are accepted whims of our imagination but if they were actually true they would in essence suggest the presence of mental model. This can be deduced from the fact that magic potions cause a particular behavioural reaction in human beings and if that were true then the person would be abiding by a mental model.

The one thing I did learn rather re-learn in the behavioural finance class was the concept of proof by contradiction, which I have done above , if you have not understood it yet then let me elaborate.

Theory to prove: mental models don’t exist

Contradiction to proof: mental models do exist

Parallel: magic potions exist

Fact: magic potions don’t exist

Deduction: Magic potions cause mental models

Contradiction: If mental models are caused by magic potions and it is a fact that magic potions don’t exist then mental models don’t exist .